Fear, shame, and trying to be brave

I feel nervous about posting this, and not for the usual reasons that I’m unsure of my writing ability or embarrassed of the fantasies I’m sharing. I’m nervous because posting these words could actually change my life in less-than-positive ways, if seen by the wrong people.

Someone found my blog who was never supposed to. In fact, a number of people did. Part of this was my own stupid mistake, and part of it was due to a breach of privacy, and it’s something that still makes me feel sick with fear. Thus, I’m not even going to mention my old blog name or previous pseudonym. I have spent the last week or so rebuilding a blog that hopefully will not be discovered again, and hiding posts, photos and personal details that could potentially reveal my identity.

In case the above paragraphs don’t make it clear: it’s been a pretty terrible week.

I’m still here though. I had a choice to make, to continue blogging or to not, and I have chosen to continue. Of course, I hope to keep my identity private this time, and hope that a new site and pen name will do this, even though I’ve transferred a lot of my content. Despite everything in the last few days, though, I still do have a blog. A sex blog, even, where I currently plan to continue to publish erotica, sex toy reviews, and posts about mental health and feminism.

As much as this terrifies me, I’m also proud. There might be less explicit photography than on my old site, but there are still going to be hot writing and filthy words and tales of my adventures into the world of kink. I like talking about sex, and I like sharing these thoughts and conversations; a younger me would have found comfort and knowledge in some of my writing, and I want to continue trying to be the sex-education I want to see in the world. LGBTQIA+ inclusive, pleasure focussed, and stressing the importance of enthusiastic consent and not slut shaming.

This part of my life is extremely important to me. Sex and exploring my own body and working out my kinks is fun, and I’ve met some incredibly people on my journey as a sex blogger so far. Apparently, these things are even important enough that I’ve set up this blog, so I can continue to share my kinky adventures and explorations.

Part of me wishes that I had been braver, that I’d said fuck you to those who found me and kept writing under the pen name I started. That blog was steadily growing, and I made connections and friends and had ridiculous plans. My blog name was a suggestion from the first boy I slept with, and my pen name suggested the whimsical ridiculousness that I loved. Maybe I should have kept going, being my truly authentic self. Maybe reinventing my online identity is a betrayal of the values, especially sex positivity, that I want my blog to stand for.

Does changing my name so my blog can stay a secret mean I’m ashamed of who I am?

I can’t quite tell. The people who have been here for me in this last week, supporting me and offering me advice, have said it’s not; they’ve said what I’ve done is understandable, and it’s amazing that I’m not turning away from my sex writing but determined to continue. I’d like to thank them, a million times over. However, I think the fear might. I’m shaking as I type these words, because I am scared of what I’m doing. I’m scared that the wrong people will find me again, and I’m scared of the confrontation that will follow. I think part of me is more ashamed to continue with blogging than I was embarrassed to start, because the conversations I’ve been subjected to have reminded me that society is nosy and judgemental and not comfortable talking about sex.

Here’s the thing though: I am. I am comfortable talking about sex. The choice to keep blogging was easy: of course I was going to, it’s part of who I am. The fear and shame came later and haven’t left yet. I really hope they will, because I have found so much happiness in this part of myself and I hope to find it again.

Right now, I’m very much on queer street. Uncertain of myself, and a little shaky on my feet. I can’t promise I’ll be here forever, but I’m still making plans for kinky fuckery with cute humans, and I’ve already bought a ticket to attend Eroticon 2019. My Twitter profile is still locked, but I hope you will continue following and supporting me: the community I’ve found through my blog is very important to me.

And this is me. I’m Quinn Rhodes. I’m a sex blogger, and a queer, kinky feminist. I’m a cis woman in my twenties, with a penchant for wanking in airports. I can occasionally be seen reading books and wearing cat ears, and very frequently spotted running late for trains. I dream big, fall in love easily, and I love writing about sex.

 

Sexy shorts don't equal airport orgasms
My first face-fucking

12 Comments

  1. I hate that this happened to you, but I am so glad you’re here. And yes, I agree with others, your reaction and fear are absolutely understandable. I can only imagine the hell you’ve gone through. You’re still loved, as that former identity and now as Quinn. And I can’t wait to see what you do next. (((HUGS)))

  2. Good luck to you dear friend in whatever you do and wherever you go. I’ll alwas treasure the ride. You can always return to your name when ready. Just remember who told you that you really were a Sex Blogger when you were unsure. You still are… Quinn.

    xoxo

  3. Your reaction is very understandable and it is terrible what happened. You show great courage in deciding to continue writing and I’m glad you are. Being outed is not fun, it is a frightening experience that can send you into a tailspin.

    You have a tremendous voice in the community and I’m glad you have decided to carry on.

  4. I’m full of admiration for your strength and also sadness that we still live in a society where talking about sex is considered shameful. Really glad you’re still writing, the Internet would be a poorer place for losing your voice in it. Big hugs

  5. argh…people are so ridiculous. I am so sad this happened but I am glad you have decided to carry on because I would have missed you so much of you had not. You are a talented writer and you would have been a great loss to this community

    Mollyx

  6. This is terrible, and I can understand you wanting to say “fuck you” to those who found you, but equally not feeling comfortable or brave enough to do it. Sadly there are people in this world who will judge you.

    I’ve told about 5 people about my blog, 2 of them are really cool and supportive – and jealous! – but the others just didn’t get it and thought it was weird, laughable even. I couldn’t be arsed with their attitudes so I never shared my blog name with them and haven’t mentioned it again since. But the friends who get why I do it, I’ve shared with them and they accept me for who I am.

    Family wise, I’d absolutely hate for them to know what I do as they would be the most judgmental!! So none of my family know except my husband.

    Please carry on blogging, contributing to our community and having fun with what you do. Fuck anyone who doesn’t support you! 😘

    PP x

  7. Welcome here – you are one of my most favourite bloggers and I am glad you’ve made it here and hate it that you were doxxed somehow. That sucks horse shit. I love to read you as long as you love to do it.

    More power to you, sex blogger superhero x


  8. What a terrifying thing to have happened and Kudos to you Quinn for sticking it out! This new blog will be just as amazing as the previous one to continue your sexy adventures and ponderings on sex, mental health and whatever you damn well please 😉👍

    Respect xxx

  9. Hi I’ve just followed you and I’m damn glad I did! You’ve got guts in spades. Hang in there…
    Indigo

  10. Hi – only just had a chance to visit & read your reasons for re-inventing yourself. How horrible, I understand your fear and panic entirely and your need for secrecy is very valid – you are young and just embarking on a career, so you may need to keep some facets of your life secret.
    I’m very glad it hasn’t silenced you though, my lovely, because a voice like yours deserves to be heard. xx


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