I feel nervous about posting this, and not for the usual reasons that I’m unsure of my writing ability or embarrassed of the fantasies I’m sharing. I’m nervous because posting these words could actually change my life in less-than-positive ways, if seen by the wrong people.
Someone found my blog who was never supposed to. In fact, a number of people did. Part of this was my own stupid mistake, and part of it was due to a breach of privacy, and it’s something that still makes me feel sick with fear. Thus, I’m not even going to mention my old blog name or previous pseudonym. I have spent the last week or so rebuilding a blog that hopefully will not be discovered again, and hiding posts, photos and personal details that could potentially reveal my identity.
In case the above paragraphs don’t make it clear: it’s been a pretty terrible week.
I’m still here though. I had a choice to make, to continue blogging or to not, and I have chosen to continue. Of course, I hope to keep my identity private this time, and hope that a new site and pen name will do this, even though I’ve transferred a lot of my content. Despite everything in the last few days, though, I still do have a blog. A sex blog, even, where I currently plan to continue to publish erotica, sex toy reviews, and posts about mental health and feminism.
As much as this terrifies me, I’m also proud. There might be less explicit photography than on my old site, but there are still going to be hot writing and filthy words and tales of my adventures into the world of kink. I like talking about sex, and I like sharing these thoughts and conversations; a younger me would have found comfort and knowledge in some of my writing, and I want to continue trying to be the sex-education I want to see in the world. LGBTQIA+ inclusive, pleasure focussed, and stressing the importance of enthusiastic consent and not slut shaming.
This part of my life is extremely important to me. Sex and exploring my own body and working out my kinks is fun, and I’ve met some incredibly people on my journey as a sex blogger so far. Apparently, these things are even important enough that I’ve set up this blog, so I can continue to share my kinky adventures and explorations.
Part of me wishes that I had been braver, that I’d said fuck you to those who found me and kept writing under the pen name I started. That blog was steadily growing, and I made connections and friends and had ridiculous plans. My blog name was a suggestion from the first boy I slept with, and my pen name suggested the whimsical ridiculousness that I loved. Maybe I should have kept going, being my truly authentic self. Maybe reinventing my online identity is a betrayal of the values, especially sex positivity, that I want my blog to stand for.
Does changing my name so my blog can stay a secret mean I’m ashamed of who I am?
I can’t quite tell. The people who have been here for me in this last week, supporting me and offering me advice, have said it’s not; they’ve said what I’ve done is understandable, and it’s amazing that I’m not turning away from my sex writing but determined to continue. I’d like to thank them, a million times over. However, I think the fear might. I’m shaking as I type these words, because I am scared of what I’m doing. I’m scared that the wrong people will find me again, and I’m scared of the confrontation that will follow. I think part of me is more ashamed to continue with blogging than I was embarrassed to start, because the conversations I’ve been subjected to have reminded me that society is nosy and judgemental and not comfortable talking about sex.
Here’s the thing though: I am. I am comfortable talking about sex. The choice to keep blogging was easy: of course I was going to, it’s part of who I am. The fear and shame came later and haven’t left yet. I really hope they will, because I have found so much happiness in this part of myself and I hope to find it again.
Right now, I’m very much on queer street. Uncertain of myself, and a little shaky on my feet. I can’t promise I’ll be here forever, but I’m still making plans for kinky fuckery with cute humans, and I’ve already bought a ticket to attend Eroticon 2019. My Twitter profile is still locked, but I hope you will continue following and supporting me: the community I’ve found through my blog is very important to me.
And this is me. I’m Quinn Rhodes. I’m a sex blogger, and a queer, kinky feminist. I’m a cis woman in my twenties, with a penchant for wanking in airports. I can occasionally be seen reading books and wearing cat ears, and very frequently spotted running late for trains. I dream big, fall in love easily, and I love writing about sex.