How is it already the last Thursday in July? Not only am I completely unprepared for July to be over, but there’s less than an hour left in today for me to write and publish a “thinky” post so I can at least pretend to be sticking to my blog schedule this week. And I’m hoping that maybe there’s a bit of ‘un-sexy but important point about sex’ in my attempt to claw some thoughts together.
I’m struggling to come right now.
I don’t mean right now as in right this second – although I often will sit on a vibrator while I’m writing filth for my blog. At the moment, doing that mostly leaves me squirmy and frustrated. I don’t mind feeling squirmy and frustrated when I know I can come, or when I’m making the choice not to come because it’s really fucking hot to give a play partner control over my orgasms. But right now I’m not sure that I could make myself come, even if I wanted to.
Did you know that attending your friend’s surprise CFNM – that’s ‘clothed female, naked male’ – birthday gathering really ramps up your libido? As does your fuck buddy giving you an especially sadistic beating and leaving you with bruises… mmmfff. My sex drive is anything but low right now, so that’s not the issue, and it’s not like I’m not getting aroused. In fact, it feels like I’ve spent all of the last few weeks in a per-period state of horn. Yet I’m still unable to come.
Ever since I bought my Doxy and fell in love with it, orgasms have been relatively easy as long as it’s to hand. It peaks and troughs, of course, but that’s more often happens at the same time as my libido dips and my interest in sex wanes. It makes sense that I’m sometimes unable to come when I have no interest in engaging with my sexuality, and just want to clinically get myself off for endorphin-and-depression reasons. But right now my arousal is dancing underneath my skin, electric and distracting.
Usually I’d jerk off so I can focus on other things. And I absolutely am jerking off – but my arousal is building and building, the throbbing in my cunt becoming more insistent – but without reaching any sort of climax. The closest I can get to an orgasm feels weak and unsatisfying, and afterwards I’m still hungry for more. A few weeks ago I was having two or three (or more!) delicious, explosive orgasms every day, and now I’m unable to even wring one out of my desperate cunt.
I talked about my lack of orgasms in vagina therapy this week, and my brilliant and insightful therapist suggested that it might be because I’m putting too much pressure on myself to use my vaginal dilators when I’m wanking. Which is a super fun idea, because now I’m trying to work out how I can both be putting too much pressure on myself and also feeling like I’m not working on my vaginismus enough. Or maybe I was wrong and my anti-depressants never affected my ability to orgasm before, but they’ve now joined forces with my new meds and are ganging up on me.
Being unable to come sucks – even though I know if it was a dominant partner telling me that I had to edge myself for them it would be incredibly hot. And that thought – of being denied orgasms purely because they want to consensually torture me – turns me on more… but I still can’t come.
There’s nothing wrong with you if orgasms don’t feature in your sex or masturbation – there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not broken because I’m unable to come, any more than I’m broken for having a vagina that can’t do PIV sex. Though, of course, it’s totally fine to want an orgasm and be frustrated when your body isn’t cooperating. I’m not sure that thinking about it as much as I have this evening is exactly a good idea, but I’m hoping that acknowledging that I’m struggling right now will help. So I’m writing about it, to process the discomforting disconnection with my own body.
I’m also writing about it because I’m super turned right now and I want a goddamn orgasm.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.