My Send Noods boxers are the only reason I got out of bed today.
Content warning: suicide, depression and mental illness.
Aren’t they brilliant? I ordered them from Me Undies at the end of April, because after a month of not spending money in lockdown I decided to treat myself to some new boxer briefs. I wear boxers almost all the time, and these ones are bright and playful in a way that feels really good for my gender expression right now.
I’m so glad they arrived today, because it’s been hard. My depression is kicking my ass right now. I feel like shit, and I think about killing myself everyday. I’m safe, but it’s exhausting. It’s so fucking exhausting. I’ve cried three times today, and taking care of myself feels impossible. If I hadn’t had my new underwear to try on, I don’t think I would have put clothes on today.
I did put clothes on. I took my meds. I drank water and I put on lipstick. I got naked to take nudes, even if I cried while doing it.
At least, I cried while setting up my tripod for the first time. I cried while getting naked too, but actually taking photographs helped me calm down. I love the ways I’m exploring my gender right now, and my body looks so right in my Send Noods boxers. My tears dried on my cheeks as I tried to capture how I felt. I’m not sure I have, but when I look at these photos I remember how strong I am.
I know I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok, but sometimes I don’t want to share exactly how much I’m struggling. The days when not killing myself is an achievement are incredibly hard, but continuing to exist is an achievement. Doing a mini photoshoot of me in my new underwear made me feel grounded in a way I didn’t expect it to. I’m still exhausted, but if I take a moment to just sit and be present in my body there is calm and strength inside me too.
I’m glad I got out of bed, and I’m glad I set up my camera so I could show off my Send Noods boxers. I might not be sending nudes today, but taking them helped. Taking them reminded me that I might feel vulnerable and raw and flayed open, but I’m still powerful.
Me Undies does not have an affiliate scheme, but I *do* have a referral code for y’all! All their underwear is made from sustainably-sourced modal and their designs are so fucking cute. Use this link to get 20% off your first purchase!
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex writer with vaginismus. He’s a slut and a sex nerd who writes about his adventures in trying to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks.