Send noods: new boxers and crying while I take nudes

An afab person leans against a blank white wall, wearing red boxers with 'send noods' and takeout cartons on them. Photo.

My Send Noods boxers are the only reason I got out of bed today.

Content warning: suicide, depression and mental illness. 

Aren’t they brilliant? I ordered them from Me Undies at the end of April, because after a month of not spending money in lockdown I decided to treat myself to some new boxer briefs. I wear boxers almost all the time, and these ones are bright and playful in a way that feels really good for my gender expression right now.

I’m so glad they arrived today, because it’s been hard. My depression is kicking my ass right now. I feel like shit, and I think about killing myself everyday. I’m safe, but it’s exhausting. It’s so fucking exhausting. I’ve cried three times today, and taking care of myself feels impossible. If I hadn’t had my new underwear to try on, I don’t think I would have put clothes on today.

I did put clothes on. I took my meds. I drank water and I put on lipstick. I got naked to take nudes, even if I cried while doing it.

At least, I cried while setting up my tripod for the first time. I cried while getting naked too, but actually taking photographs helped me calm down. I love the ways I’m exploring my gender right now, and my body looks so right in my Send Noods boxers. My tears dried on my cheeks as I tried to capture how I felt. I’m not sure I have, but when I look at these photos I remember how strong I am.

I know I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok, but sometimes I don’t want to share exactly how much I’m struggling. The days when not killing myself is an achievement are incredibly hard, but continuing to exist is an achievement. Doing a mini photoshoot of me in my new underwear made me feel grounded in a way I didn’t expect it to. I’m still exhausted, but if I take a moment to just sit and be present in my body there is calm and strength inside me too.

I’m glad I got out of bed, and I’m glad I set up my camera so I could show off my Send Noods boxers. I might not be sending nudes today, but taking them helped. Taking them reminded me that I might feel vulnerable and raw and flayed open, but I’m still powerful.

Sinful Sunday badgeSinful Sunday is run by the fan-fucking-tabulous Molly Moore – click the kiss for more sins…

Me Undies does not have an affiliate scheme, but I *do* have a referral code for y’all! All their underwear is made from sustainably-sourced modal and their designs are so fucking cute. Use this link to get 20% off your first purchase!

All the blogger positivity: eLust #130
Fucking while wearing period pads

6 Comments

  1. I’m sorry things feel so hard right now.

    I think boxers make perfect sense as a mood-lifter. I mostly don’t wear underwear at all, but every once in a while I put on a pair of my spouse’s boxer briefs. I find the fit and feel comforting, somehow. Snug and comfy.

    It’s like a hug for your buns. 🙂

  2. Those boxers are so damn cute! I’m proud of you and what you do. Take care of yourself ‘cos you’re bloody wonderful.

  3. I’m sorry things are so hard. I’m glad you are safe. I’m glad you had the respite of feeling calm and strong. Those moments are so important.

  4. Ahh my dear friend. I am sorry you had a shit day. I am glad taking pictures helped. I have found it to often be a very cathartic experience too. Oh and you super rock those boxers, I love how you look so bold in this image

    Molly

  5. I just love these boxers, I have a feeling you’re going to make me spend more money *laughs.

    I’m sorry you had a shit day but I’m glad taking photos helped.

  6. <3 Sorry your day was shit and I hope you are feeling better now. I love this shot – those boxers are epic and for me, that hint of underboob is perfection x

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