I’m not a woman, but I don’t owe you masculinity to prove that.
Gender identity and gender expression are two very different things. I am genderqueer and trans masculine but that doesn’t mean that I have to perform masculinity. Non-binary people are often told that we owe cis people androgyny to validate our gender identity, but it is not on me to express my gender in a way that makes the world comfortable.
I can wear a skirt and call my junk my dick. I can wear a suit with a fitted shirt that really shows off my tits. There is no way to “pass” as genderqueer, but I’ve still spent a lot of the last few months wondering how to work out to show the world that I’m not a woman. It’s only recently that I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have to: we need to normalise not assuming people’s gender identity based on what they look like or what they’re wearing.
I also realised that I don’t have anything to prove. Yes, it’s important to me that I flag to the world as queer and sex positive, but that shouldn’t stop me from performing the fluidity of my gender in the way I want to. It feels so powerful to accept that, to accept that I don’t owe the world a justification for my gender through the way I express myself. I don’t have to denounce femininity in order to for people to respect my pronouns.
I don’t owe you masculinity. I’m allowed to wear a skirt without anything at all underneath and that doesn’t make me a woman. It makes me sexy, and it shows that I have nothing to prove.
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Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex writer with vaginismus. He’s a slut and a sex nerd who writes about his adventures in trying to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks.