Since stepping into my transness, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can fuck with and redefine masculinity. To me, masculinity is strong and soft and something that I get to define in a way that works for me. It’s the power I feel when I stand tall and solid in my gender, and it’s the vulnerability needed to admit I’m struggling. It’s how my arse looks in my new strap-on harness.
I was talking to Kelvin Sparks earlier this week for an article I’m writing about strap-on sex. He said so many clever and insightful things that really made me examine how I think about my own gender – including a how there isn’t really a cultural script around ‘feeling sexy’ for men in the same way there is for woman. For Kelvin, there’s an aspect of a harness that feels like lingerie to him, especially if it’s leather.
It made me wonder what ‘sexy’ looks like for me as a trans guy. Especially as a trans guy who has tits, who doesn’t take testosterone but still calls my junk my dick. When I’m naked, it’s hard not to worry that my partner doesn’t see a woman when they look at me. It’s easier to stay partially clothed, hiding the parts of my body that make my skin itch with their wrongness.
When it comes to strapping-on, lots of transmasculine folks do prefer underwear-style harnesses they can feel less like a harness. It’s what I used over the last few years, desperate to keep a layer of fabric between my junk and anything that could touch it. But Kelvin reminded me that a leather harness might actually affirm my gender, because it’s just another way that queer men have sex.
I’d ordered this harness before I’d worked through any of these thoughts. I’m still working through these thoughts, trying to work out what ‘sexy’ looks like for me now. There’s something undeniably sexy about this harness, though, and something powerfully queer about it. The leather against my skin makes me feel strong. The hard dick hanging between my legs doesn’t make me a guy, but it does make me feel good.
It makes me feel sexy.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.