Am I a bad person if I feel ok after a break up? I asked myself that question again and again after I broke up with my enboifriend, not realising that actually I wasn’t ok at all. I’d been expecting to fall apart, to physically ache with the pain of missing them. I wasn’t expecting to feel numb, to feel nothing. I wasn’t expecting to feel relief.
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Last year I went to a Smut Slam event, expecting to get mildly turned on while listening to people tell sexy stories about first time fucks. I didn’t expect to find myself asking out the cute human who told a story about their first time doing knife play. I didn’t expect to go on a date with them the next day, and I didn’t expect that the date would lead to them blowing the strap-on dick I’d packed in my handbag without any real expectations of using it to fuck your face. I didn’t expect you, and I definitely didn’t expect to fall in love with the constellation of freckles on your back.