Am I a bad person if I feel ok after a break up? I asked myself that question again and again after I broke up with my enboifriend, not realising that actually I wasn’t ok at all. I’d been expecting to fall apart, to physically ache with the pain of missing them. I wasn’t expecting to feel numb, to feel nothing. I wasn’t expecting to feel relief.
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Last year I went to a Smut Slam event, expecting to get mildly turned on while listening to people tell sexy stories about first time fucks. I didn’t expect to find myself asking out the cute human who told a story about their first time doing knife play. I didn’t expect to go on a date with them the next day, and I didn’t expect that the date would lead to them blowing the strap-on dick I’d packed in my handbag without any real expectations of using it to fuck your face. I didn’t expect you, and I definitely didn’t expect to fall in love with the constellation of freckles on your back.
In just one week I will see my enboifriend for the first time in six months. We have assessed the risks of travelling to see each other during a global pandemic and decided that after spending half of our whole relationship apart, we’re going to be together on our anniversary. I’m super excited to see them, but I’m not without some anxiety. Mostly because my depression means that my sex drive is low right now, and I’m worried that they might not love me if I’m not such a horny slut.
It sounds silly and utterly cliche to say that falling in love has taught me to love myself more, but it has. WhileI want to be a good person, a person worthy of dating them, they look at me as though I already am. Self-acceptance is something I have always struggled with, but I’m slowly beginning to rethink the ways I see myself. I’m learning a lot from my first relationship – including that being needy isn’t a bad thing.
One of my sex goals for 2020 is to be brave enough to flirt and to see if putting myself out there on dating apps can lead to good fucking. To share something that will surprise no one, I have a high libido and would like regular sex. However, when I’ve come to draft profiles for these dating apps, I’m left wondering if I should out myself as a sex blogger.