Am I a bad person if I feel ok after a break up? I asked myself that question again and again after I broke up with my enboifriend, not realising that actually I wasn’t ok at all. I’d been expecting to fall apart, to physically ache with the pain of missing them. I wasn’t expecting to feel numb, to feel nothing. I wasn’t expecting to feel relief.
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In just one week I will see my enboifriend for the first time in six months. We have assessed the risks of travelling to see each other during a global pandemic and decided that after spending half of our whole relationship apart, we’re going to be together on our anniversary. I’m super excited to see them, but I’m not without some anxiety. Mostly because my depression means that my sex drive is low right now, and I’m worried that they might not love me if I’m not such a horny slut.
Valentine’s day is a Big Deal for sex writers and sex bloggers, but I traditionally celebrate a different significant day on 14th February. I know I still have a lot to learn – about myself and about sex – and I know half the things I want from sex and relationships right now will undoubtedly change, but I am proud of what I have learned about sex so far. So today I’m (consensually!) stealing an idea from my birthday twin, Kelvin Sparks, and sharing 21 things I learned about sex at 21.
It sounds silly and utterly cliche to say that falling in love has taught me to love myself more, but it has. WhileI want to be a good person, a person worthy of dating them, they look at me as though I already am. Self-acceptance is something I have always struggled with, but I’m slowly beginning to rethink the ways I see myself. I’m learning a lot from my first relationship – including that being needy isn’t a bad thing.
I’m dating someone. I’m in love in a way that I haven’t been before. It’s the kind of love in a way that makes me stronger, the kind of love that I wasn’t looking for when I unexpectedly stumbled into the arms of an incredibly attractive enby who actually likes me back. But in the less fun things that come with navigating my first romantic relationship, I also have to deal with the uncertainty: it’s not that I doubt that they love me – I know they do – but I do know they might not love me forever.