I am a queer, trans, afab person with vaginismus who doesn’t have penis-in-vagina sex: according to society’s traditional definitions of sex, I’m a virgin. Let’s set aside the fact that virginity is a social concept used to control and shame women and afab folks. Instead, let’s discuss about why foreplay is a heteronormative idea that devalues vulvalic pleasure, centralises penis-in-vagina sex, and implies that the ‘aim’ of sex is the male orgasm.
I’m a sex blogger, but I hesitate to describe myself as a sex educator. I’d like to be a sex educator, but I don’t feel like that’s a title I can claim because I simply don’t know enough. I’m a huge sex nerd, of course, and I spend a lot of time thinking and reading and asking questions about sex, but there’s so much that I don’t know… including some things about my own body, like whether or not I can have anal sex with vaginismus.
I can’t put things in my vagina. In fact, my vaginismus means there’s almost nothing hot to me about the idea of sitting on your dick – in fact that craving is so rare that I feel weird when I do want penetration. It’s a very particular mood, but that’s exactly the kind of horny I am tonight.
I have a confession: I don’t go for STI tests every three months like a model non-monogamous sex educator should. It’s not about the shame or stigma around being a sexually active woman or having a positive STI status, I’m mostly scared of STI tests because they hurt. Maybe I shouldn’t share this, but right now I’m really struggling with my vagina.
I have a confession, folks: I’m a sex blogger who was still learning about her own cunt in 2019. Maybe that’s not surprising, given the lack of sufficient sex education in this country, but I’m still hugely embarrassed to share that I am still scared of my own vulva. And I feel ashamed to admit that, as someone who spends as much time as I do talking and writing about sex.