I can’t put things in my vagina. In fact, my vaginismus means there’s almost nothing hot to me about the idea of sitting on your dick – in fact that craving is so rare that I feel weird when I do want penetration. It’s a very particular mood, but that’s exactly the kind of horny I am tonight.
Content note for vaginismus, painful sex, and menstrual blood.
Tonight I want to sit on your dick.
My super strong pelvic floor makes that a painful impossibility, but the novelty of the that desire excites me. I’m also a sex nerd, so I examine why I’m craving someone’s fingers in my vag even as I’m reaching down into my boxers to rub my dick. I’m the kind of horny that can’t be satisfied by just getting off; I’m the kind of horny that I want to sate by sliding on to your dick until I feel it deep and solid inside me.
I want to watch you bite your lip to hold back a moan as I sink right down on to your dick. I want to watch your hands gripping the bedsheets, tense with pleasure as I ride your dick. I want to fuck you with my vagina. I want to use your dick to get off. It’s not about the power – ok, wait, it is about the power, but it’s also about the base pleasure of feeling your dick in my cunt.
I’m not sure I can really imagine the feeling of your dick inside me, but trying to imagine makes my cunt twitch. Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina: I’m used to my vagina clenching in fear if I so much as think about putting things in my cunt. This is different – tonight my vagina is twitching because I want to put something in my cunt. I want to clench around your dick and feel full.
Tonight my cunt is aching to feel full.
Over the last week or so I’ve struggled to even look at gifs of fingers and dildos sliding into fuck holes. Usually I can enjoy the idea of butt plugs in my ass or fucking someone else with my strap-on, but even those usually hot ideas were making me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to think about any dicks going into any cunts or arses – blow jobs were still hot to me, but only just. My vaginismus was particularly severe, so it was weird to actively want penetration so suddenly.
Maybe I’m wrong: it’s hard to tell if I’m craving penetration because I’ve never felt anything more than the vaginal swab of an STI test or the first half-inch of a dilator. I’m months – maybe years – from being able to take a deliciously hard dick in my cunt. It feels like this itch is for penetration though, and I know I can’t scratch it with a clitoral orgasm. I can jerk off for hours and not feel satisfied, because my cunt is frustratingly empty.
Tonight my cunt is so empty it hurts.
Often it’s feeling disconnected from my own genitals that I struggle with, more so than the fact my vaginismus means that I can’t actually put things in my vagina. But tonight I want something inside me: to clench around rather than clenching in fear. The kind of horny I get when I want penetration is impossible to ignore. Maybe that’s because I can’t use a nice thick dildo to scratch my itch; maybe because it’s so rare that I experience this kind of horn that it completely overwhelms me.
It’s almost always period horn – maybe because my pelvic floor relaxes a little when there’s blood and uterus lining slipping out of my vagina. Instead of flinching away from the pain I associate with things going pushing into my vagina I want to embrace that sensation. I’m not scared of it tonight, in fact I’m hungry for it. It feels so strange to want something thick and firm in my cunt despite my vaginismus – it feels weird and foreign even to want that penetration, so I can’t imagine how weird it would feel to actually have something inside me.
I’m so horny, so desperate for something inside me, that I consider getting my dilators out. I can imagine them covered in lube, sliding into my vagina. I can imagine looking at them, smeared with lube and blood – a clear sign that they’d actually been inside me. An achievement that wouldn’t feel as good as riding your dick, but it tonight it’s a tempting alternative. Usually even thinking that would make me wince, shifting in discomfort, but tonight I want it.
Tonight I want to feel your dick twitch inside my cunt.
Tonight I want to throw my head back in pleasure as I sink on to your dick.
Tonight I want to fuck in a visceral way, clenching around your dick and using you to get myself off.
Tonight I want to sit on your dick, even if my vaginismus means it feels weird to want that penetration. For now, I will get off on just texting you those six words: I want to sit on your dick.
Vulnerability is hard, y’all, and it would mean a lot if you could support my so I can keep talking about my vaginismus and my vagina anxiety. If you liked this post, please consider leaving me a tip so I can keep bringing you my confessions about how little I know my own genitals in 2020.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.
