There are so many words for masturbation. Being a horny pervert who wanks a lot – but also one whose biggest kink is for words – I have spent a lot of time thinking about the different ways you can describe jerking off. As it’s Masturbation Month, I thought I’d share some of my favourites with you, and some of the ones I rarely use. (Did you notice that I used three different ones in just this intro?)
I jerk off when I’m horny, when I can’t not touch myself. I jerk off when my cunt is wet and my clit is throbbing. I jerk off when there’s a ridiculously hot idea in my head that I can’t stop thinking about – something filthy that makes me squirm. I jerk off sitting at my desk, with spit on my fingers and my thumb pressed against my clit. I jerk off under the covers at night, when I’ve woken up from a dirty dream to find my hand already between my legs. I jerk off frequently and enthusiastically, my head filled with filthy ideas.
If you google ‘words for female masturbation’… well, firstly you should be asking why it isn’t just masturbating when women touch their genitals. Girl on the Net wrote a good article about the word Swedish word for when women masturbate ‘klittra’ – which included the fact that not all woman have clits. Admittedly I haven’t heard it often, but I include it here to illustrate that I think the idea of having a ‘feminine’ word for masturbating is bullshit. There is nothing ladylike about my masturbation.
I absolutely frig myself off, though it’s a word I seldom use in my own erotica. To me, frigging suggests a kind of pervy delight – like how one would (for example) frig oneself off as you gleefully watched a pretty boy do something filthy and degrading just for your amusement. Frigging happens when you’re taking delight in your sexuality – because sex (and masturbation) should be something fun and something glorious.
I wank at the end of a long day, when I want to reconnect with my body. I’m not always turned on when I start wanking – I generally flop on to my bed (naked and on my stomach) and position my Doxy between my legs. I grind my cunt against it before it’s turned on. When I do turn the wand on, I tense my legs against the wall so its powerful rumbles are directed at exactly the . Sometimes my wanking is luxurious, with lots of lube and elaborate fantasies, but often it’s a quick dash towards a satisfying orgasm.
I wouldn’t describe my own masturbation as a hand job – to me it’s very much something I do to someone else. Like that lazy hand job I gave my fuck-buddy, with lots of spit, while I introduced him to my current favourite podcast. We were touching for comfort and intimacy, rather than raging arousal: I wasn’t trying to make him come, just enjoying how easy it is to exist in the same physical space as him, whether we’re being sexual or not.
I masturbate a lot, but especially when I’m on my period. When I’m super aware of of my vulva and vagina and uterus, I want to forget about the biological processes and focus only on my cunt. Masturbating helps me deal with my cramps, and – content note for explicit period details here – it allows my body to relax and let the chunks of blood flow out of my body. Period masturbation – and orgasms – fill me with endorphins that make everything briefly better… though often mean I have to change my sheets.
My masturbation isn’t always a solo act: it becomes a game when cute Twitter humans are flirting or sexting with me and they want me to work up to the moment when I touch my clit. There is something about the command ‘touch yourself for me’ that goes straight to my cunt. I also beg to touch myself when I’m on a period of denial or no-touch before I go to see my play partners. If I beg prettily enough they might let me tease myself with light strokes on my inner thigh, but they won’t let me touch my cunt.
I’m not sure if I fap, but if I did, I think it would best describe the kind of masturbation I did earlier today, in a bathroom stall at the airport. I wasn’t wearing knickers, so it was easy to pull my skirt up and use the first two fingers to rub at my clit. I love the challenge of staying quiet that comes with semi-public-masturbation – usually I’m very, very vocal when I’m masturbating, no matter what word I use to describe it.
This post was brought to you by my favourite sex toy for wanking with, the Doxy. Whichever words you use to describe your masturbation, you can get an original Doxy in the UK for £89.99 and in the US for $134.99 – in my view it’s worth every penny.