Intentionally helpless

Today’s Masturbation Monday story is less smut and more a stream of consciousness. I think it has erotic undertones though, and it’s definitely about using sex and submission as a coping mechanism when I’m feeling angry and weak and helpless.

Let me fight you. Let me scream and rage and kick and punch and struggle. Let me do everything I can to beat you and prove to me just how helpless I really am.

I need you to fight me and fuck me and overpower me. I need you to be a little rough as you hold me, because if you treat me with kid gloves, I think I might break. I can take on the whole world and remain standing, but I am so angry and so tired. I can pretend to be strong, I can put on a brave face and square my shoulders to face the world, but when I’m underneath you I don’t have to.

Let me fight you, because I am angry at myself. I am angry at my broken body that I know isn’t really broken, and at my exhausted mind that I know just really needs a rest. I can growl and bare my teeth and let the tears run down my face, because when I’m struggling to throw you off me I don’t need to preserve my composure. I can let go of the control that I can already feel slipping away.

I am trying so hard, and I am failing. So let me fail. Let me fight you and fail, and not for once not feel guilty because I should have done more. You’re going to overwhelm me, and while I’m going to fight you I know you’re going to win. It’s going to hurt to resist, which is why I will allow myself to give in and surrender to you. I find freedom in the permission to stop trying to be perfect you give me by taking away my choice.

Pin me down and fuck me. Laugh at my pathetic attempts to get away as you use my body. Let me be intentionally helpless, because tonight I need your cruelty and your taunts and your mocking. Tonight I need them all, because I know they’re not true, but I can only let myself play the game if I think it’s very, very real. I feel helpless, but if you show me how much you love me with gentle words and soft touches I will fall apart. Please don’t make me fall apart like that; make me fall apart like this.

Show me how helpless I am, because the world has almost convinced me I am worthless and coming apart beneath you will remind me that really I am strong.

 

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Valuing my voice: singing loudly
Not button fly jeans

2 Comments

  1. This is both wonderfully written, completely relatable, and a little heartbreaking in a way that I completely understand.

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