In a society that defaults towards monogamy (to say nothing of heteronormativity), I’ve recently been struggling to find the right terminology to describe my ethical-slut dating style and my partners therein. I’m a word nerd, but the poly relationship words I need to talk about the folks I’m dating, fucking and crushing on just don’t exist. Today I’m sharing five non-existing words I’d totally have used in the last week.
Welcome to the first piece in a new mini-series of sex-positive click-bait-style blog posts: Clit Bait. Credit to Coffee and Kink for the name – we all know that I could never come up with something as clever as ‘clit bait’.
#1: Dating someone but still DTF
I want a way to explain how I’m in a relationship – and thus no longer single – but am still a solo poly slut. Maybe ‘I’m polyamorous’ covers it, but when the options are usually ‘single’ or ‘taken’ I feel we need an easier third option. Basically, I want a simple way to say that I’m dating someone but I’m also very much down to flirt/make-out with and even potentially fuck other cute humans.
#2: New relationship with first-date face-fucking
I need poly relationship words to describe how I was casually dating a cute enby but they weren’t yet my partner. There was already intimacy and trust between us – I’d let finger my ass and also said ‘I love you’ – but it was still tentative and we weren’t sure where it was headed. While describing them as ‘the cute human who I’m dating but who is not yet my enboifriend’ certainly left no doubts about my new person’s gender, it doesn’t describe the new-relationship-excitement I was feeling. (Though my smile probably did.)
#3 ‘Closest friend’ just doesn’t cut it
It’d be helpful to have a single word for the kind of love I have for one of my closest friends. She’s my play partner, a creative kindred spirit, and there are maybe some romantic-crush feels mixed in there as well as requited-lust. I’ve woken up in bed next to her and made her come around my finger, so ‘Twitter friend’ doesn’t come close to describing our relationship.
#4 Missing their dick (but not them)
I’d love poly relationship words for how I feel about the ex-fuck buddy who I’m no longer fucking but wish I still was. If I talk about how I’m not over him, folks will generally assume I mean that in a romantic setting. I never fell in love with him, though, I’m just far from over his cock. Jealousy and lust characterise our interactions today, mostly because I still desperately want him to want me.
#5 Friendship and lust can be confused for love
There should also be a way to describe the non-relationship relationship I have with someone with who I’m never going to have any sort of official or defined relationship with. I’m also never going to fuck them on any sort of regular basis, but I’d like to do that, at least. I’m not even a little bit in love with them, but I do fall deeply in lust with them at least twice a year – an overwhelming feeling that briefly consumes every facet of my sexuality… to the point where I might give the wrong impression when talking about those feelings.
Do you find that you need words to describe your relationships or dating style that don’t exist? Why not follow me on Twitter and tweet me which #PolyRelationshipWords you wish existed.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex writer with vaginismus. He’s a slut and a sex nerd who writes about his adventures in trying to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks.