I love talking about sex. I want to dissect the ways I say ‘I love you’ and make sure I know my partners’ verbal limits inside out so we can explore humiliation play. Luckily* I’m dating a sex nerd who is almost as into talking about sex and talking about how we talk about sex as I am. They understand that asking questions while you’re fucking can be really hot – and often leads to spectacular sex.
Content note for piss play. This post contains affiliate links! I should also point out that luck has nothing to do with who I’m dating: I probably wouldn’t be in a relationship who wasn’t into discussing relationship words and safe sex practices.
Here are a few things I asked my enboifriend – or they asked me – over a three-day fuck-session.
“Would you mind showing me again how you like your dick to be touched?”
I’m a solo poly slut with a few partners, and each of whom likes their junk to be touched in different ways. It had been about five weeks since I’d last seen my enboifriend, and as my hand curled around their dick I realised that I couldn’t remember how they like me to jerk them off. Asking was awkward for a second, but less awkward than it would have been to use a hand job technique that does absolutely nothing for them. They obligingly showed me with a few quick strokes, and I soon took over with great enthusiasm. And yes, I did check in afterwards to check that asking was ok – and it was, because it made the sex better for both of us.
“Is it ok if I pretend it’s your come dripping out of my cunt?“
This one was after the best lubed-up hand-job ever, when I stood up and realised how deliciously wet I was. The fantasy of a partner coming inside me isn’t one that – between safe-sex and vaginismus – I can currently realise, but when my cunt is slick with arousal and lube it’s a fun one to think about. It felt important to check in with my partner before wanking over it, though, in case it was something that would squick them or feel gender-invalidating.
Oh, and the best ever hand job happened in the first place because I told my partner that my cunt was feeling dry and they offered to roll over and grab the lube that was – of course – sitting on the bedside table, alongside cuffs and condoms. (And water, because hydration is important and good sex can sometimes feel like a workout…)
“Can I touch your cunt?”
Fucking swoon – nothing is hotter than someone knowing that I like them to check in before touching my vulva. Especially when I have no hesitation in saying yes – there’s something wonderful about someone making me feel so safe and turned on that I forget that I’m a little bit scared of my own vagina in my hunger for them to just fucking touch it. The fact that my partners remember and ask before touching means so much, and it also builds a tiny bit of anticipation. I’m a little bit of a denial slut, and having to wait that extra few moments before their fingers are where I need them most makes me squirm – something my partners all seem to be very into.
“Is it ok if I pee while you pee on me?”
Kneeling in their bathtub – in a position negotiated because it combines maximum degradation with minimum piss hitting my irritated and rashy skin – I realised that I really needed to pee. If we’d stayed in bed it probably wouldn’t have mattered, but I definitely couldn’t hold it while their hot piss was running down me and making me feel used and dirty. But even if your partner is standing over you, holding their cock and about to mark you with their piss, it feels polite to check that they’re ok with my pee running over their feet along with their own. (Spoiler, they were, and it’s given me ideas for a piss play scene I’d like to do with them in the future…)
“It’s obviously ok for you to say no, but would you mind if we shifted your plan for tomorrow a little bit? I want to spend as much time together naked as possible – could we come back here in the afternoon instead?”
Ask for what you want, folks, seriously. Because as scary as it seems – even when you’re literally lying in bed naked next to someone who loves you – it’s worth it. Telling my enboifriend that I wanted to spend more time fucking them meant that we did spend more time fucking. They replanned their day so we had a few hours in their bed together that afternoon, and we squeezed in more impact play and cock sucking than we’d have otherwise been able to enjoy. When we kissed goodbye at the station my body was aching with the satisfaction of a good fuck. I’m so glad I asked them if we could schedule more naked time together.
Not that folks ever ask me for sex advice, but if I did I would say the same thing every time. Get out there and talk to your partners about sex, and ask for what you want when you’re fucking. Asking questions while you’re shagging is a strategy for great sex that has never let me down.
Want to help me start conversations about why we should all talk more about sex and be vocal about our desires? Alternatively, support me to write more straight-up-filth – which I also hope will contribute to more openness about sex. Basically, please buy me a coffee – I’ll raise a festive Starbucks in your honour!
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.
Excellent advice!