Being that my dick is the prompt for this week’s Masturbation Monday, I felt like I should write about my dick. But not the dick in this photo: it’s easy to talk about the hot things I could do with that dick. It’s much harder to talk about why it’s so much easier to keep wearing my knickers and strap-on while I have sex. It’s much less sexy to talk about why I might be scared of you going down on my cunt unless I can imagine you’re sucking my dick.
Content note for gender/body dysphoria, painful sex and vaginismus.
I want you to go down on my cunt like you’re sucking a dick.
No, I’m not talking about when I strap-on and face fuck you with one of my silicone dick. Not that I don’t love that – though yes please, let’s do that too. I’ll make you suck it and then fuck you with it, or tauntingly jerk it off inches from your mouth and not let you touch it. I can’t feel the nerve endings of a dildo but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it when you take my cock to the back of the throat and hold it there, chocking and looking up at me while tears fill your eyes.
It would be easy to talk about fucking you with a dick I pick up and strap-on. It’s still my dick, and I can order you to sit on it and fuck yourself on it until you’re sweating and your dick is hard and aching. I can fuck you slowly, holding you down and pinching your nipples while I tell you what a good slut you are. I can even squirm underneath you while you pin me down and suck me off until I’m a submissive puddle. That’s easy, compared to the kind of sex we might have when there isn’t seven inches of silicone between your mouth and my vagina.
My vagina scares me.
I’m scared of people touching it. I’m even scared of taking my knickers off while fucking, especially with new partners. It’s not that I don’t trust the people I have sex with to respect my boundaries and stay well away from my vagina, it’s that I almost never have sex without my vagina tensing up. Which makes sense, because vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina – it’s a cycle of fear that means that sometimes it will hurt if my partner even brushes a hand against my vagina.
The folks I fuck obviously do touch my junk, but I’ve had to work hard at trusting the parts of me that definitely do want to fuck. If I listened to my vagina, I’d be curling up and hiding instead of having sex every time, and I love having sex. Sometimes the vagina anxiety lasts a second and then I’m horny and ready to fuck. Sometimes it persists even when my partner’s hands are all over me and has me closing my legs when they offer to do things to my crotch that should feel good.
Having an enboifriend who understands and is ok with the fact that I can only get off is lying on my front and scrolling through porn on my phone for five minutes helps. Having partners who ask before they touch my cunt helps. Having play partners who won’t bat an eyelid if I don’t take my knickers off while we’re fucking because sex is about literally anything other than them touching my junk helps. Masturbating and reminding myself that I can associate touching my crotch with pleasure and not just pain helps.
Imagining that you’re sucking my dick and not eating me out helps.
Don’t eat me out. Please don’t eat me out: maybe it will feel amazing, but more likely I’ll hold myself tensely above your face, wincing whenever your tongue gets too close to my vagina. It’s not that it doesn’t feel good – it does – but it also hurts in a way I’m not sure it’s supposed to. All that anxiety that I feel when your hand goes near my junk when I’m not sure I want it to is amplified when it’s not your hand but your mouth, and then I feel awful because I’m supposed to be enjoying this.
It’s so much easier to actually enjoy it, rather than lying back and wondering why I’m not, if you go down on my cunt like you’re sucking my dick. Maybe there’s less pressure or maybe it’s because it’s gender affirming, but it feels so much better. Maybe the person sucking me off touches my junk less than they would if they were eating me out, or maybe it’s entirely psychological. I like the idea that you’re doing exactly the same thing to me that you’d have done before I started calling my genitals my dick, it’s just different because of how I’m thinking about it.
I want your mouth on my hard, aching dick. I want you to envelop my cock with your mouth and I want to close your eyes and imagine your head bobbing up and down as you suck me. I want you to pull back and playfully flick the head of my dick with your tongue, and I maybe even want you to lick my balls – because I’m scared of my vagina, but even though my balls are sensitive I’m not afraid of them. I want to thrust my hips up to get more of my dick in your mouth, and I want you to grin down at me and tell me how hard I am.
I want you to go down on my cunt like you’re sucking a dick. Like you’re sucking my dick.
Masturbation Monday is run by the fabulous Kayla Lords. Click on the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week.
Vulnerability is hard, y’all, and it would mean a lot if you could support my so I can keep talking about my gender and my vagina anxiety. If you liked this post, please consider leaving me a tip so I can keep bringing you my confessions about how little I know my own genitals in 2020.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.
thanks for providing this weeks prompt. as always with you, it was interesting and hot.
This writing piece was just like that too. thanks for sharing both.
So while this probably wasn’t meant to be hot as fuck, it was. But also, I love that you can articulate what you want and don’t want and WHY so fucking well. Ya know how I keep telling you that you’re light years ahead of the rest of us in some ways? THIS is (in part) what I mean.