Vagina therapy – where I’ve been tackling my vaginismus with a trained medical professional – has been a real learning experience. I go into each appointment absolutely filled with anxiety, but learning why my vagina is so emphatically against being penetrated is actually really interesting. My homework has included exploring what turns me on, jerking off, and – as of my last appointment – playing with my vaginal dilators.
I haven’t used them yet.
Unwrapping the vaginal dilators was almost a ritual. It was over a year since I’d bought them – on an adventure to Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium in London – and they’ve been sitting in my sex-toy box ever since. I took them out after a luxurious bath, which I followed by covering myself in delicious smelling body butter. By the time I climbed on to my bed with the box, I was feeling relaxed and aroused and so, so ready to try putting one of the silicone toys inside me.
My own fear stopped me.
I’m still scared of the pain. Even the smallest dilator is bigger than my littlest finger, which I’ve previously attempted to push inside my cunt to no success and great pain. I’m working on conquering my vaginismus, and I’m much more comfortable with the idea of something penetrating my vagina than I was a few months ago. For now, my vaginal dilators sitting on the bookshelf at the foot of my bed and I’ll fetch the smallest for my self-date wanking evenings.
They’re so pretty, and so purple, but so far that hasn’t prevented my pelvic floor muscles from tensing in anticipation of the pain.
Sinful Sunday is run by the wonderful Molly Moore – click the kiss for more sins…
Sh!’s Vibrating Silicone Vaginal Dilators Set are designed to be more user-friendly than the NHS provided vaginal dilators, but they recommend purchasing them on the advice of your doctor, nurse or therapist. If you experience pain in the vulva and/or vaginal area, it’s recommended to that you see a medical professional before attempting the dilating process.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex writer with vaginismus. He’s a slut and a sex nerd who writes about his adventures in trying to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks.