Today’s post was going to be a super indulgent list where I share what kinky Christmas presents I wish I could buy myself this year. And, ok, it technically is that, but it’s also a list of the festive fucks I’m not going to have this year, but really wish I could. These are essentially my current filthiest fantasies – mince pies aside.
Content note for mild degradation and sadism. This post includes affiliate links!
Consent and kinky Christmas presents
First, however, a note on consent: don’t buy someone an unsolicited sex toy for Christmas.
As much as I want my writing to get more people talking openly about sex and I’m a big fan of folks including sex toy in their fucking, sex toys are not an acceptable surprise Christmas gift for your partner. Even, in some situations, a long-term partner. Unless you’ve spent time talking to someone about sex toys and know what would work for their body – or maybe even mentioned that you’d like to get them a sex toy for a present and gauged their reaction – I’d suggest you get them something else. You know what’s not a good present? Pressure to use a particular sex toy.
But if you have that consent, and you’ve actually talked to your giftee about buying them a sex toy, you have a whole world of amazing possibilities to choose from. I know two success stories of sex blogger’s partner bought them a Doxy for Christmas, which in my mind would be an fucking fantastic (literally!) present to open. If you’re buying a toy for someone with a vulva, my personal recommendation would be for a Ruby Glow, and from everything I’ve heard the Jett would be a great gift for folks with penises. But when it comes to kinky Christmas presents, consent has to come first.
The fucks I wish I could unwrap
That being said, you know whose consent you do have to buy kinky Christmas presents for? Yes, that would be me. I’ve tagged it ‘sugar baby’ because while I don’t expect I have a generous reader who wants to buy me extravagant, no-strings-attached kinky Christmas presents, I wouldn’t be at all opposed to it if someone did want to…
Also, if I’m not already on the naughty list, I’m pretty sure these kinky Christmas requests will secure my place on there.
Crash Pad subscription
What’s better than queer, ethical porn? Ok, maybe this…
She straddles my legs, putting her not only in a perfect position to spank me but also to press my cunt onto the wand vibrator that’s underneath me. My favourite way to wank is by lying on top of the vibe like this, and she’s agreed to give up her right to look at my blushes as she consensually humiliates me for control of whether or not I get to come.
I’m excited though. The run up to Christmas is busy and I’ve been jerking off far more than I’ve been getting vigorously finger fucked by my girlfriend in the last couple of weeks. An evening solely dedicated to fucking each other senseless was much needed – even though she’d revealed that she planned to make me confess to each and every filthy thought I’d been wanking to in the last few weeks.
And, so I couldn’t lie to her and hide my more embarrassing fantasies, show her what porn I’d been watching. At least I’ll be able to hide my face in the pillow while she watches the clips I’ve been getting off to while making notes for future fucks. Unless she decides to grab my hair and pull my head up so I have to watch with her, of course.
Cliterati membership
I want to preface this one by saying that I do NOT intend to fuck in the Vagina Museum. I do want to support them, though, and can’t wait to go visit the Vagina Museum for the first time. And then fuck in a London pub bathroom to satisfy this particular urge…
When I brought it up they’d pointed out that fucking here would be twice of risky at this time of year, and laughed when I told them that was part of the turn on. It’s not that I had to try too hard to convince them that I should give them head in the toilets of the pub where we’re meeting our friends for Christmas drinks.
Before we meet them, of course. So I can sit there through the evening with the taste of their come in my mouth, still able to feel where their hands groped my ass before pushing me to my knees. I don’t want to get caught, but the possibility that we could be will make the entire thing more thrilling. And – I finish by pointing out to them, knowing from the bulge in their jeans that I’ve already won – it will make me work hard to get them to come down my throat before anyone interrupts us.
“Besides, if I suck you off but don’t get to come, you know how horny I’ll be when we get home.”
“Or what about right there in the pub? We never did try out that app-controlled vibrator you bought me last year…”
Metal butt plugs
I recently got to use a Njoy Pure Plug on (or more accurately in) my partner, and it was a brilliant experience. It’s only made me more eager to get my hands on one myself…
Don’t ask your dominant fuck buddy what he wants for Christmas, because he will suggest something utterly sadistic. In this case, when I mentioned that I wasn’t sure if I should get him a gift, he smirked.
“You know what would be a great present? You working really hard so you can take that metal butt plug you’re so scared of – it would be a great warm-up for me anally topping you with my new dick for the first time.”
I had almost flinched at his words – the heavy metal butt plug had become a threat he teased me with ever since I’d confessed that I’d thought about being made to stand in the corner with it in my arse while he totally ignored me. That scene would push my boundaries, but technically just wearing the plug was within the limits agreed upon for our play together. It would be mentally challenging though, because now even holding the plug
But being a slut who hoped I’d be given orgasms for my Christmas gift, I’d done what I was told. I’d trained myself not to push through the fear but let it enhance my arousal as I played with the plug. And today I walk past him into his flat and bend over the arm of the sofa, tugging my jeans and knickers down to reveal that I was wearing the shiny butt plug.
“What a good girl you are. You know what the next step is though, right? You now need to work up to being able to take the medium plug for me.”
Sex toy tote bag
The cheapest thing by far on my list, but who wouldn’t want a bag that reads ‘This Bag is Full of Sex Toys’? And it’s so delightfully suggestive of fucks still to come…
I can’t stop thinking about what they’re going to do me later as I pack for the evening. Not that I really know what I’m packing for – she didn’t share many details beyond telling me that she’d invited some friends over and I was going to be a good little fuck toy and help entertain them. I’d been instructed to come prepared, though, so I added butt plugs and cuffs and the ball gag she said made me drool adorably to the usual lube and vibrator I take so she can make me edge again and again when she’s covered me with her marks.
She’s never played with me in front of other people, though. I’m shaking with nerves when I finally get to her flat, through my nipples are definitely hard with arousal rather than cold. And of course, before she lets me in she makes me spread my legs so she can inspect my cunt. Even Christmas can’t interrupt that particular tradition.
“I hope you prepared your fuckholes, slut – we’re starting with pass the parcel. You’re the parcel, of course. Everyone’s going to have so much fun unwrapping you.”
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a freelance journalist, sex writer, and professional transsexual. His work focuses on dismantling shame and queering sex.
